TO CUT DOWN ON YOUR CRYING WRIGGLER NONSENSE IN MY EXTREMELY IMPORTANT MEMOS, YOU CAN NOW SUBMIT YOUR MEWLING CRIES FOR MY ADVICE HERE. QUADRANT QUESTIONS ONLY TAKEN ON FRIDAYS THROUGH SUNDAYS. ERIDAN.
sthedemon asked dearkarkat: Dear Karkat. You see, I have a matesprit who i’ve been with for a while. Lately though I’m doubting our relationship. And there is another who I have flushed feelings for who I’m sure is aware of them. What I’m not sure about is do I continue with my current matesprit, or should I see if a relationship with this other will be more beneficial?
LET ME BREAK THIS DOWN FOR YOU SO YOU CAN READ WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WROTE TO ME.
“DEAR KARKAT, I AM FLUSHED FOR SOME ASSHOLE THAT ISN’T MY MATESPRIT AND AS A RESULT I DON’T KNOW IF I WANT TO STAY WITH MY MATESPRIT. IS IT OKAY IF I OLLIE THE FUCK OUT?”
HELL IF I KNOW!
FOR STARTERS, WHY THE TAINTCHAFING FUCK ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT GETTING YOUR JOLLIES SOMEPLACE ELSE. IS THERE A REASON? MAYBE YOU’RE JUST DOUBTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU YOUR OCULAR ORBS ARE OGLING SOME OTHER NOOKWAD’S ASS. IT MIGHT BE A FINE ASS BUT WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT IT ANYWAY???
LOOK, IF YOU DON’T PITY YOUR MATESPRIT ANYMORE THEN STAYING WITH THEM IS JUST GOING TO FUCK BOTH OF YOU UP. BUT MAYBE YOU DO AND YOU’RE JUST FREAKING YOURSELF OUT. *MAYBE*, AND THIS IS JUST A FUCKING SUGGESTION, YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN AND *TALK* TO YOUR MATESPRIT ABOUT IT! BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS SOME ACTUAL PROBLEM THAT I’M NOT HEARING ABOUT.
MEANWHILE
…whiile ii appreciiate the 2entiiment (ii gue22), thii2 look2 2trangely famiiliiar for 2ome rea2on…
ii mean ii could be wrong. but ii 2eem two 2u2pect the u2age of copy-pa2te at work here.
kk you miight want two double-check me on that.
GODDAMMIT
omg so my bff J is all in luuuuurve with this guy we both knwo and theyd be totes prefect togehter but then i foudn out my other bff D is also srsly totes in love wiht the SAME GUY omg and i want all teh best for J but if D gets him it would be SO HOTTT and also i want a bfriend and D is reallynot an option so i geuss im asking shuold i stick with martinis cause i think tihs is more of a cuervo thing.
WHAT THE FUCK
LET ME RUN THIS THROUGH A TRANSLATOR.
A;KLS JA;SLKJF;A WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, ONE OF YOUR ANIMES??
WAIT A SECOND, WHAT IS THIS?
THAT’S KIND OF IMPRESSIVE FOR A PLANET THAT HAS HAD EXACTLY NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER WITH YOUR GODS. SOMETHING MUST HAVE LEAKED OVER BESIDES OUR SIGNS OR SOMETHING. I CAN ONLY ASSUME THIS IS YOUR LAST SAVING GRACE, RIDING ON THE ENTRAILS OF OUR MARGINAL VICTORY - SOME SMALL VESTIGE OF INTELLIGENCE IN YOUR MAMMALIAN BRAINS.
LET’S SEE WHAT IT SAYS.
……. WHAT THE HELL
LUUUUURVE IS NOT A WORD IN ALTERNIAN
WHAT IS THIS SHIT
WOW, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ASK SOLLUX THIS? THAT GUY DOESN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT QUADRANTS. YOU’D THINK SOMEONE WHO FILLED HIS PALE QUADRANT LIKE TWICE AND FUCKED AROUND WITH HIS FLUSHED QUADRANT MIGHT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE, BUT SOMEHOW, HE MANAGED TO ESCAPE THE EXPERIENCE BOTH TIMES WITH HIS THINKPAN AS EMPTY AS ALTERNIA AFTER THE VAST GLUB.
YEAH THOLLUCKTH, THAT’S RIGHT, JUST KICK THE IDIOTS MY WAY. IT’S COOL
YOU CAN’T HANDLE THEIR SHIT
IT’S ACTUALLY PRETTY HILARIOUS.
ANONYMOUS, WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO YOURSELF IS LIKE PUNCHING YOURSELF IN THE FACE SIXTEEN TIMES EVERY DAY. IT’S PAINFUL AND POINTLESS AND YOU WAKE UP UGLIER EVERY MORNING.
ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF DELIVERING SHOCKING, UNBELIEVABLE NEWS: HANGING AROUND THIS PERSON ISN’T GOING TO MAKE YOUR FEELINGS GO AWAY!
WOW, KARKAT, I HAD NO IDEA, REALLY??
YEAH FUCKING REALLY. I GET WHY HUMANS MIGHT GET TURNED AROUND ON THIS. I HEAR YOU HAVE SOME STUPID PHRASE ABOUT HOW BEING AWAY FROM A PERSON MAKES THE BLOODPUSHER GROW FONDER OR SOMETHING? BUT THAT ONLY WORKS IF BEING AROUND SOMEONE YOU INEXPLICABLY LIKE ANNOYS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AND BEING AWAY MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A JERKASS THEY REALLY ARE. NORMALLY GETTING AWAY FROM A PERSON MAKES YOU GO ‘HOLY FUCK WHY DID I WASTE SO MUCH OF MY LIFE TALKING TO THIS ASSHOLE?’
THIS IS A REALIZATION YOU NEED TO HAVE ABOUT THIS PERSON LIKE SIX SWEEPS AGO. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN INJECTED INTO YOUR THINKPAN BEFORE YOU WERE HATCHED OR ‘BIRTHED’ OR WHATEVER. THIS PERSON IS POISON TO YOU. IF YOU THINK THEY HATE YOU - PLATONICALLY - THEN TORTURING YOURSELF IS STUPID.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. BY THE WAY, *I* DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THE ANSWER IS, BUT *YOU* SHOULD. WHY DO YOU HANG OUT WITH THIS PERSON IF THEY DON’T EVEN LIKE YOU IN A HUMAN FRIENDSHIP EMOTION WAY
SERIOUSLY
THE ANSWER IS NOT ‘BECAUSE I AM A MASOCHISTIC LOSER’ EVEN IF THAT’S ALSO TRUE.
LOOK, I’LL MAKE A PACT WITH YOU, MAGNANIMOUS GOD TO ANONYMOUS DUMBASS. YOU FIGURE OUT WHY YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF AND I’LL FIGURE OUT WHY I CAN’T STOP MISSING THE ASSHOLES THAT DIED.
I’M LOOKING AT YOU, SOLLUX.
DOUCHENOZZLE
OH LOOK AT WHAT OPENED.
2o iif kk can have a bull2hiit blog where he an2wer2 random 2hiitty que2tiion2 ii fiigure thii2 tumblr thiing can’t be two diiffiicult.
iit2 not liike anyone actually pay2 attentiion two me on the iinternet anyway 2o ii can ju2t watch hiim make a fool of hiim2elf from back here and iit’ll be hiilariiou2.
2o ii gue22 the da2hboard ii2 where you 2ee po2t2 and 2hiit and
hold on a 2ec
waiit what
what the fuck ii2 that…?
YOU ARROGANT ASSHOLE. SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY???
I HOPE YOU GET A BUNCH OF REALLY STUPID QUESTIONS THAT ARE EVEN STUPIDER THAN THE ONES I GET. WHICH WOULD BE A FEAT OF OVERACHIEVING HOOFBEASTSHIT THAT IS TYPICAL OF YOU.
UGH
—carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling twinArmageddons [TA]—
CG: HOLY NOOKPUNCH ASSFUCK. WHAT THE FUCK, SOLLUX.
CG: IS THERE A REASON YOU SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT SPAMMING MY INBOX WAS THE BEST USE OF YOUR GODDAMN TIME. LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
TA: were you actually tryiing two hiide thii2 2hiitty blog from me wow a++ dude.
TA: well al2o the miiddle two clearly are not me becau2e holy fuckiing 2hiit grow a vocabulary.
CG:I WILL ADMIT THERE’S A CERTAIN WEAKNESS TO THOSE ATTEMPTS TO ANNOY ME. YOU CAN’T JUST PARROT SHIT I ALREADY SAID BACK TO ME AND THINK I’M GOING TO GIVE A FLYING FUCK BECAUSE IT’S NO LONGER A FUCKING SURPRISE WHEN PAST ME IS DUMB
TA: kk 2top pretendiing two be iintelligent iit doe2n’t really do well for your iimage and ju2t make2 you 2eem liike a tool.
TA:or rather more liike a tool than you already are.
CG:OH BURN, I’M JUST DROWNING IN SICK FIRES HERE.
TA: 2ee iim already gettiing pretty tiired of your pathetiic attempt2 at beiing clever 2eriiou2ly fuck that noii2e.
CG: THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ON MY BLOG
TA: ju2t an2wer the que2tiion already.
CG: THAT IS ME TALKING ABOUT YOUR LEAST FAVORI
CG: WHAT QUESTION
CG: NO SERIOUSLY, WHICH ONE, THERE’S FIVE OF THEM UP THERE.
CG: AND THEY’RE ALL EQUALLY DUMB
TA: then all of them, obviiou2ly.
TA:do ii really have two 2pell out two you how two run your own blog?
CG: OH PLEASE. YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS BLOG, YOU’RE JUST HERE TO PESTER ME BECAUSE YOU CAUGHT ME MAKING AN ENTRY. DOUCHE. I THOUGHT YOU’D AT LEAST HAD THE COURTESY TO FUCKING FORGET ABOUT IT AFTER THAT INCIDENT WITH THE LITERAL SHIT YOU PUT HERE.
TA: 2orry that wa2 all the 2hiit ii could mu2ter two giive about thii2 blog. ii 2eem two have run out a2 you 2o iintelliigently poiinted out.
TA: you caught me ii’m ju2t here two fuck wiith you.
TA: ca2e fuckiing clo2ed.
CG: WELL GET THE FUCK OUT THEN. IT’S ANNOYING. NOBODY IS LAUGHING. YOU ARE JUST SITTING THERE BEING A BULGELICKER ALL BY YOURSELF IN A ROOM FULL OF BEES
CG: IT’S PATHETIC
CG: ALMOST PITIABLE, EVEN, IF YOU DIDN’T SUCCEED SO HARD AT PISSING ME OFF UNTIL I FLIP MY SHIT INTO OUTER ORBIT
TA: ii thiink you 2pelled hiilariiou2 wrong. but 2ure have fun wiith your 2tupiid blog ii gue22 that mean2 iill have two fiind 2omeone el2e two play hallow wiith 2iince you’ll be 2o bu2y helpiing troll2 wiith love liive2 a2 pathetiic a2 your2.
CG: HEY WAIT
CG: NO
CG: FUCK YOU
TA: you want me two recon2iider?
CG: HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO SUCCEED AT HALLOW WITHOUT ME? YOU NEED ME THERE AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU NEVER WATCH YOUR BACK WHEN YOU’RE SNIPING PEOPLE ON THE MULTIPLAYER MAPS
TA: the whole poiint of 2niipiing ii2 two kiill the other guy2 BEFORE they fiind you diip2hiit. ii don’t need anyone two watch my back that wa2 ju2t a niice bonu2.
CG: THANKS, IT’S GREAT TO KNOW I’M SO DEEPLY APPRECIATED FOR KEEPING YOUR UNGRATEFUL DIGITAL ASS ALIVE.
CG: HOW ABOUT YOU JUST FUCK OFF AND GO PLAY YOUR DUMB GAME AND I’LL JUST FINISH DOING SOMETHING ACTUALLY SEMI-USEFUL WITH MY TRAINWRECK OF A LIFE BY ANSWERING THESE DUMB QUESTIONS AND YOU CAN RELEIVE ME OF YOUR REALLY FUCKING ONEROUS PRESENCE!
TA: 2ure whatever.
—twinArmageddons [TA] stopped trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]—
CG: …
CG: I’LL BE THERE IN TEN.
—carcinoGeneticist [CG] stopped trolling twinArmageddons [TA]—
kelstupid asked: dear karkat, i’ve got a bit of a problem. i’ve got flushed feelings for this one guy but problem is, he’s already got a matesprit! what should i do?
YEAH THAT’S A PRETTY TOUGH QUESTION.
HUMANS ARE KIND OF WEIRD ABOUT THIS THING SO THIS MIGHT NOT WORK FOR YOU BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT QUADRANT VACILLATION. IT’S THIS THING WHERE YOU TAKE TURNS BEING FLUSHED WITH THE GUY YOU’RE FLUSHED FOR AND HIS ALREADY-MATESPRIT IS FLUSHED FOR.
YOU CAN TAKE TURNS GOING ON ‘DATES’ OR KISSING EACH OTHER’S FACES OR WHATEVER.
LOOK, PICK UP ANY GOOD TROLL ROMANCE NOVEL AND IT WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HOW THIS WORKS. THIS ONE IS PROBABLY THE BEST EXAMPLE:
AND AS A BONUS YOU AND HIS MATESPRIT MIGHT END UP IN A BLACKROM DUE TO YOUR RIVALRY OVER HIM! WELL, HUMANS DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE KISMESES BUT SOMETIMES YOU DO, IT LOOKS LIKE, JUDGING FROM THE WEIRDASS SHIT IN MY INBOX. SO YOU COULD END UP DOUBLY LUCKY.
TALK IT OVER WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT THEY THINK.
ALTHOUGH I SHOULD WARN YOU THAT EVEN TROLLS THINK THIS IS KIND OF KINKY AND HUMANS ARE LAZY PRUDES WHO CAN’T EVEN BOTHER TO FIGURE OUT MORE THAN ONE OR TWO QUADRANTS SO WHO KNOWS.
